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Buddhadharma : Summer 2005
buddhadharma| 53 |summer 2005 view that “I’m not wise yet, but I hope to become wise,” you’ll end up with grief, sorrow, despair, and anguish. It’s that direct. It’s learning to trust in being the wisdom now, being awake – even though you may feel emotionally inadequate, doubtful or uncertain, frightened or terrified of it. Emotions are like that. Be the awareness of the emotions: “Emotion is like this.” Emotionally we are conditioned for ignorance. I am emotionally conditioned to be a person. I am emotionally con- ditioned to be Ajahn Sumedho. “Ajahn Sumedho, you are wonderful!” And the emotions go, “Oh?” “Ajahn Sumedho, you are a horrible monk with terrible vinaya!” And the emotions go, “Grrrrr!!” Emotions are like that. If my security depends on being praised and loved, respected and appre- ciated, being successful and healthy, everything going nicely and everyone around me being in harmony, the world around me being so utterly sensitive to my needs, I will feel all right when everything seems all right. But then it goes the other way – the earthquakes, the persecution, the abuse, the disrobing, the blame, the criticism – and then I think, “Ugh! Life is horrible. I can’t stand it anymore! I’m so hurt, so wounded. I’ve tried so hard and nobody appreciates me. Nobody loves me.” That’s the emotional dependency of the per- son. That’s personal conditioning. Awareness includes those emotions as mental objects (arammana), rather than as subjects. If you don’t know this, you tend to identify with your emotions and your emotions become yourself. You become this emotional thing that has become terribly upset because the world is not respecting you enough. Our refuge is in the deathless reality rather than the transient and unstable conditions. If you trust in awareness, then the self and the emotions about oneself, whatever they might be, can be seen in terms of what they are – not judged, not made into a problem, but just noticed: “It’s like this.” cHArleScoHen,WWW.promulgAtor.com Cosmology M 062971, 1999 archival inkjet on paper