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Buddhadharma : Spring 2017
spring 2 0 1 7 buddhadharma: the practitioner’s quarterly 23 sumi loundon kim: The heart of this humdinger question is that the word “attachment” means one thing in the context of parenting and another in the context of Buddhist teachings. The asso- ciation of the word “attachment” with parenting has its origins in the phrase “attachment parenting,” a theory of child-rearing developed by pediatrician William Sears in the 1980s. In parent- ing, attachment is thought to provide a foundational sense of safety and secu- rity, giving a child the courage to explore and thus learn essential facts about their world. Your concern for your children’s well-being and safety comes from a healthy, natural bonding derived from empathy, care, and love—none of which are against dharma. In the Buddhist world, attachment is understood as a mental factor, a psy- chological pattern that is a mega-cause of suffering. However, the neutral sense of the English word “attachment” doesn’t convey the potency and misery of what Buddhists mean by it. Buddhist texts use the Sanskrit word trsna, an English-language cognate of which is the word “thirst.” “Thirst” accurately conveys the sense of need that charac- terizes this mental state. We are thirsty for sense gratification, thirsty for expe- riences. Other translations of this kind of attachment are “clinging,” “crav- ing,” and “desire.” Although it doesn’t sound human to say, “Don’t be attached to your children,” it does sound right to say, “Don’t cling to them.” (We even disapprove of overly clingy parents.) Nonetheless, the Buddhist notion of attachment, as craving, can teach us something about parenting pitfalls. Since we can crave just about anything, it’s possible to develop a sticky clingi- ness to our own children. For example, we might crave their demonstrations of affection, respect, or loyalty. We can Send your questions to email@example.com become attached to our children behav- ing or performing a particular way, believing that our child should be a good soccer player, academically successful, polite to others, and so on, because we are worried about our own public image, self-worth, unresolved issues, or value as a “good” parent. This kind of attach- ment is primarily self-centered, serving our own needs. As many of us know from experience, staking our happiness on a child fulfilling our expectations invariably results in suffering. (Although I’m quite certain that the moment my children stop leaving dirty socks around the house, my life will be perfect.) In the final analysis of this type of clingy attachment, it’s not so much that we are directly attached to our children as we are attached to our misconception of what will bring us happiness. The parenting notion of attachment as bonding can also teach us something about parenting potential. In fact, the Buddha himself urges us to create the “bonds of fellowship,” as taught in the Sangaha Sutta. Through generosity, kind words, beneficial help, and consistency in the face of changing conditions, he said, parents sustain a favorable, respect- ful relationship with their children. In other words, parenting is dharma prac- tice. Far from trying to detach ourselves from our children, our relationship with our children is an amazing ground on which we can practice attunement, the gift of creating safety, generosity, aid, and unconditional love. This in turn develops our capacity to feel the same bonds of fellowship for the children of others—and for others as once-children. In the end, we are called to discover the bonds of fellowship we have with all beings. When I feel worry about my son welling up within me, there is one simple meditation that I do— I remind myself, “My child is going to die.” — ari goldfield